Moving On To Better Things

My girlfriend is finally putting her two weeks in at the bar she works at soon. I could not be happier. It takes us an hour and a half to drive to the bar each way and she never makes good money. Each night she works $50 is considered a good night in tips. I used to be a waitress, I remember walking out with $100 a night. She deserves better than this. I’ve never seen a bartender work so hard and not get any respect.

I’m at the point where it doesn’t matter to me where she goes from here. Whether she goes back to CNA work or if she goes back to warehouse work. I really just want her out of this place. The bar is in the worst neighborhood in town and the only customers she really gets are regulars to the bar. She’s one of those people that nobody hates or even dislikes because she will bend over backwards for you.

I want to move on from this patch of our lives together. I just want to be in that place that we know we will live for years to come. I want to have stable jobs for both of us and being as stress free as possible. We are under so much stress right now… I can’t wait to get back to the days where the only thing we worry about is what in the world we are going to eat that night haha.

It’s time for our lives to start and I can’t wait. I’m too anxious for it to begin. Just the two of us against the world. Sounds perfect to me.

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I Don’t Miss Having a Boss

My girlfriend works at a bar that her brother in law owns. Well, the manager has known her brother in law for 10+ years. It’s always a constant contest between them. He’s always trying to prove that he knows everything and that he’s more valuable than she is. All she’s trying to prove is that she knows how to run the bar. She’s also labeled as a manager/bartender just like he is. He gives me that bad women’s intuition feeling. Since day one that I met him I have refused to be alone with this man.

Everytime my girlfriend works at the bar the other manager always stays for hours. He acts like she’s incompetent. She normally starts her shift at 6pm, like today he stayed until 9:30. I just don’t understand. The owner, her brother in law, can look at th security cameras off his phone at any time. It’s not like she works at a place that is all cash or anything like that so that it’d be “easy” to cheat the system or whatever.

Stuff like this makes me so glad that I don’t have a boss because I don’t have to deal with extra stress because of a boss figure. The only person I have to answer to is myself. Having a job like mine just means that you have to be able to be accountable if you aren’t making money. You can’t blame the traffic or the customers being grumpy. With my job, I have to be able to get into my potential clients heads and reach them that way.

Considering im not good with people, this is definitely the job for me lol. There’s nobody I have to deal with that isn’t a client or myself. If that appeals to you, you know where to go if you read my posts regularly.

I’m a Child of Divorce

My parents got divorced when I was 7 years old. I remember more about it than I’d like to. The worst part about having divorced parents is you never feel like you know the truth about what happened. My dad says one thing and my mom says something completely different.

I’m not saying I want them to be best friends or anything I just want them to be able to be in the same room as each other. One of my parents refused to help me move into my dorm when i went to college just because the other parent was going to be there. That’s where my line is. It’s fine that you two don’t like each other but don’t make me suffer more than I already have. My parents used to bash each other in front of me.

I wish more parents understood that if you have a baby with someone, you are stuck with that person for the rest of your life. Whether you get a divorce or not. Don’t make the kids your messengers back and forth between you two. It’s not fair to the kids. You clearly liked the person enough to make a baby with them, so you should be willing to be civil around each other for the kids sake.

Maybe I’ll never really know what happened for my parents to get divorced. I just want peace. I’m tired of having separate families.

Unexpected Loss

A couple of days ago my girlfriend’s uncle was sent to the hospital. He had gone to take a nap and her aunt noticed he wasn’t breathing right so she grabbed his CPAP to help him breathe. When she went to put it on him, he was purple. So she called 911 and when they got there they had to get him breathing again. They were successful and got him in the ambulance. By the time he got to the hospital he had stopped breathing 3 different times for a total of 35 minutes without oxygen. The doctors put him in an induced coma, he was put on a ventilator, the machines at this point were keeping him alive. After maybe 2 days the doctors started slowly taking him off of the medications they put him on like blood pressure. 2 days ago we woke up to a phone call that he wasn’t going to make it. So we went to the hospital to say our goodbyes. While we were there they pulled the plug.

Our hearts are very heavy but he will forever be remembered. RIP Rob we miss you and love you. Don’t worry about us, just rest easy my friend.

My Girlfriend 3x Defeater of the Big C

My girlfriend is unlike any person I’ve ever met. She is my champion, my hero, my life. When she was only 2 years old, she was diagnosed with A.L.L. which is cancer in her blood. That wasn’t the only time she was sick either. She was also diagnosed at age 10 and once again at 20 years old. She’s only 22 years old and she’s had cancer 3 times. Currently she’s still in remission!

Looking at her, you would never know she’s ever had cancer. She is one of the strongest women I know. She amazes me every single day. You have to imagine how strong and determined and maybe even bull-headed this girl had to be at only 2 years old, to not let cancer take her away. At 2 years old she looked death in the face and said “not today”. I couldn’t imagine being so young and having to battle your body for your own life 3 different times, I don’t think I would be strong enough to do what she did.

When I think about what she had to go through, it makes me so emotional (yes I’m almost in tears right now) and so mad! It’s not fair that she got sick. At 2 years old I was running around like crazy and she was throwing up from chemo. At 10 years old I was playing 3 different sports and she was getting spinal taps and more chemo cocktails. We got lucky with the last time she got sick. She was able to just do oral medication for it and sure enough, she’s in remission. If you ask her, she’ll tell you all about it. She’s so humble about it though, she acts like she didn’t accomplish anything, but we all know she did.

She has scars from the spinal taps and a large scar on her chest from her port. The one on her chest, I think is beautiful. To me, it’s a symbol/reminder of how strong she is. But, she’s self conscious about it and that drives me crazy. She deserves to walk around feeling proud of the fact that she DEFEATED CANCER 3 TIMES! Although lately she hasn’t been so afraid of people seeing it.

When I look at her, I’ll just end up staring because she has this zest for life about her. She’s almost been knocked down by cancer multiple times and yet, she has no anger about it. I don’t know about you, but I’d be one ticked off chick if I was her.

One of the things that also amazes me about her is, despite what she went through, she wants to become a nurse and help little kids who are going through what she went through. She wants to inspire them and make them see that, just because you have cancer, it does not mean the end is near. I know one day she’ll get there, she’s too stubborn not to. I just hope that when she does become a nurse who helps kids, I hope they see her the way I do, with pure amazement and they feel strength to push through anything.

When she was sick the second time, her surgeon let her keep the port that was in her chest. Then, one of her family friends turned it into a beautiful necklace. The picture that I have featured is the necklace that was made out of her port.

She is a champion and I strive for her to feel like one every single day.

Family drama is the worst…

Alright, I’m gonna put something out there right now, I’m a lesbian. My dad’s side of the family doesn’t talk to me because of  that. The worst part is, my grandfather on that side of the family, his time on earth is going to expire soon. The other half of the reason why they don’t talk to me is because of my ex.

My dad sent me a text one day that he had bought me 2 plane tickets to go see his parents. Being in a relationship, guess who I took with me, my girlfriend. First time they met any of my girlfriends. Well, before that certain trip out there, I became a smoker. Apparently that was a huge deal although they never said anything to me about it. The crazy part of it all, that trip was over 2 years ago.

Back in October I had started emailing my grandmother because that’s when my grandfather got really sick. There were 5 emails total that were exchanged. The last email I sent her was in November. I never got a response. In the emails, I was trying to establish a new relationship with her because I don’t see her once a year anymore when I was on break for school. I was trying to be open about how I’m gay. I wanted her to ask questions and to try to understand that this is who I am, I’m not just trying to rebel or whatever. She would never respond to anything about it. She would only send me emails about all the horrific details of my grandfathers condition.

That part of my family who has cut me out, were my favorite people in the whole world. Then out of nowhere, they all stopped replying to emails and dodging phone calls.

Whats interesting is that when that part of my family stopped talking to me, my other grandmother moved out here and now my uncle on my moms side is moving out here. As soon as family cut me out, my other family came to my rescue without even realizing it.

I am such an Introvert it’s not even funny.

So today, I was sitting on the couch watching tv, drinking coffee, just enjoying being home alone. Then out of nowhere the doorbell rings. Well, there’s a hole in the blinds from where the dog sticks his head into so he can see outside. So of course, I get paranoid that whoever is at the door is going to walk over and look into the gap and see me sitting on the couch. So I get up and literally just stand in front of the door checking my phone to make sure it’s not someone I know.

I am so socially anxious that I can’t even handle what turned out to be the milk man coming to my door haha.

Most people can go anywhere and strike up a conversation with a stranger. Ya, I can’t do that. I get so anxious just thinking about it. A million questions start buzzing around “what if we have nothing to talk about” “how long should the conversation be” “I don’t want to bother them”, it’s non stop. It’s not like I can avoid talking to strangers the rest of my life so I definitely have to suck it up some days and just deal with what’s in front of me.

My parents have even told me that as a baby I needed alone time. Around the same time every day all of a sudden I would start hysterically screaming and crying. Finally one day, my mom just put me in my crib alone and shut the door behind her. Boom. Instantly stopped crying.

I’m not joking when I tell you that I have to have alone time or I will get real snippy real quick haha. So if you are someone who loves to be around people, I salute you.

My Journey with Adoption Part 2

Starting Where We Left Off Yesterday

I had gone to bed after meeting the family with my friend and at 1 o’clock in the morning I woke up in a lot of pain. Literally 3 hours after I got home. For about an hour I tried repositioning and all of that to try to make the pain stop, but it didn’t. So I somehow managed to walk down the hallway to my mom’s room and woke her up. I have a high pain tolerance but, I was in tears it hurt so bad. My mom was convinced that I was having Braxton Hicks contractions because we were still over a month away from the due date. So after an hour my mom finally calls my doctor and she told me I needed to go into the emergency room immediately. Again, my mom was so convinced that I wasn’t in labor and that we would be sent straight home, that she didn’t even bring her cell phone. Luckily I did. We get to the hospital and they wheel me into a room and after they took a look at everything they tell me “You are 7 centimeters dilated, this is happening today. You are in labor”. Suddenly it became very real of what was about to happen. I was about to give birth to my son that I wasn’t keeping.

It was time to start calling everyone because I was officially in labor. My mom was the one who called the adoption agency and she told them that I was in labor. Their exact response was “so, should we call the P****’s?” I’ll never forget my mom’s response “Who else were you planning on calling?” I had only met with the one family. In their defense, I had never told the family that I had chosen them. Eventually I had the family I chose there, both of my parents, my sister, and her husband with me at the hospital.

When it was time to start pushing, I had my mom and sister on one side and the Mom of the family on the other side. I’m not joking when I say I was laughing between contractions. The epidural they originally gave me, came out so it stopped working and they had to give me another one. Well, they gave me a double dose haha. The nurse had to tell me when I was contracting. I honestly could not feel anything. My mom and sister didn’t want me to fully realize what was happening and freak out, so they kept cracking jokes therefore, I was laughing between contractions. I was laughing so hard that my son was crowning before the doctor was even in the room so the nurse had to tell me to stop laughing and essentially was trying to keep my son from being born that very second. My son was born into laughter, how beautiful is that?

We didn’t have a name for him when he was born so while I was in the hospital after giving birth, the family came to see me. They knew I’m a book nerd. They approached me about what to name him and they came up with the name Malakai, from the Bible, just spelled slightly different. They surprised me by telling me they were making my last name his middle name so that he would never forget his story and where he came from. So they named him Malakai Hatcher P****.

Malakai had to stay in the hospital when he was born because he had jaundice. I was told that he would be in the hospital for 2 weeks which meant, for those 2 weeks I could see him as much as I wanted. Basically those 2 weeks were my last chance to see him as my son instead of legally someone else’s. One night my dad and I came to the hospital to visit him and a nurse started talking to me about if I was going to be ready for him to leave the hospital and I told her that I’m going to have to be because there’s nothing I can do to stop it at this point. Throughout our conversation she noticed that I didn’t know. She looked at me and said “He’s leaving tomorrow”. I had no idea. I thought he had another week in the hospital. That night I had to say my goodbye to my son. Even as I’m writing this I’m tearing up just remembering it. I’ll never forget that moment. My heart has never been so broken before. As I was leaving the hospital with my dad, the mom started calling me. I was so emotional that I couldn’t answer it. I just let it go to voicemail. She left me the most heartbreaking message. In the voicemail, she was crying her eyes out and just kept saying I’m so sorry I didn’t want you to find out this way. She doesn’t know this but I actually listened to it when I got to the car and I started crying that much harder. My heart was breaking for the both of us.

One day he will know I’m his birth mother. I’m so excited but terrified for the day they tell him who I really am. I’m afraid because, what if he doesn’t understand why I had to give him up? I wanted to keep him. I really did. To this day, if I could, I would take him back in a heartbeat. He’s now 4 years old and the spitting image of me.

I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that there is no mention of my son’s father. That’s because he wants nothing to do with either of us. When I told him I was pregnant, he looked up how much it cost to get an abortion. Let’s put it this way, he’s the same age as me and has 3 kids with 3 different women. The day my son asks about his dad, I have no idea what I’m going to say because personally I think his father doesn’t deserve any praise but I can’t bash the father to Malakai. He’ll make his own opinions about his biological dad.

If any of you who are reading this are trying to adopt or are going through the same journey I went through, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I wish I had more support when I was going through it. The attached picture of the baby, is Malakai when he was almost a year old.

My Journey With Adoption, Being the Girl Giving Up Her Child

I was only 17 years old when I found out I was pregnant. To be honest with you, I took a pregnancy test early on in my pregnancy and it came up positive but, I disregarded it. I told myself that it was a false positive and put it on the back burner of my mind. The reason I did that is because at that time, my step-father was really sick. He had stage 4 colon cancer and ended up passing away a couple months later. Needless to say, I had other things on my mind at the time.

There came the day that I could no longer deny that I was in fact pregnant. I got out of the shower and saw the baby bump in the mirror. I was a senior in high school. We’ve all heard the teenage pregnancy stories but I had that mindset of “it won’t happen to me”. What can I say, I was young and ignorant.

When I saw the bump, I called my sister. She had me take another pregnancy test and sure enough it came up positive. It was time to tell my mother and father (who are divorced). Before I told either of my parents I found out I was 27 weeks pregnant which is 7 months pregnant. Wow, it honestly just hit me how short of a time it was that I really knew about him before he was gone.

Telling my mom was not the most pleasant experience. I remember we were watching tv in the living room and I had made the decision that I was going to tell her that day. When she got up and headed to bed I even remember thinking to myself “oh crap, I have to do it now”. I went upstairs and she was starting to read in bed. I sat on the floor next to the bed and just blurted out “mom, I’m 27 weeks pregnant”. She just stared at me, not wanting to believe what she just heard and immediately started bawling. I was then asked to leave the room. Walking away from her room was the most awful feeling. I didn’t know what she was thinking, what she thought of me now, I was terrified. I felt alone.

After telling my mom, I of course had to tell my father. He has always had a really bad temper so I decided to tell him in public. I met up with him at his office and we had dinner at Applebee’s right next to his office. I’m so glad I told him in public because that way I knew he couldn’t make a scene. He’s not the type to make a scene like that. I don’t remember our conversation about it near as clearly as I remember the one with my mom. I can tell you though, he was so disappointed in me. That was the worst feeling. Knowing that I had let down both of my parents.

While I was staying with my dad, there was one night that I was looking up adoption agencies. I even remember being in the living room watching tv in the dark and laying on the couch. There was one agency in particular that had a contact page. So I went ahead and filled out the information, told them my situation, and they got back to me pretty quickly. My mom and I had those really hard conversations about what my options were. Unfortunately, keeping the baby was not an option for me. I recently learned that my mom was afraid that by keeping my son that I wouldn’t have the time or money to do what I was meant to be. So, that left with me with abortion and adoption.

Every time my mom talked to me about abortion, I just burst into tears. I couldn’t do that. I just couldn’t. So, I was suddenly left with adoption. Well, there’s 2 kinds of adoption; open and closed. In open adoption, I would get to see my son, I’d know where he was, I would be able to see him. Then there is closed adoption, basically I wouldn’t know who his family was, I couldn’t see him, nothing. There would be no communication. My son would have to take it upon himself to find and meet me when he was old enough. I ended up meeting with an agent from the adoption agency at a starbucks by my house. I couldn’t handle not knowing who he was and if he was happy with the family I chose for him. I chose an open adoption. In my case, this wonderful family is actually going to tell him one day that I am his birth mother.

Then came the day where I knew my agent was bringing in these books I had to look through. The families made a book filled with pictures of their family, their pets, houses, etc. The book’s purpose is so that girls like me feel like we know exactly who we are giving our child to. I brought 3 of my girlfriends from school to help me. My agent brought, I kid you not, 30 books. That’s 30 families who want, for all I knew, MY baby. I can not describe to you how much pressure that put on me. How could I deny a family my child when I have no idea who they are despite the photos? My first requirement was that the family I chose, I wanted them to not be able to have kids of their own. That way, I knew what a blessing I’d be giving someone. I wanted my child to be loved as much as I picture in my head how I would love him. Come to find out, all 30 families are unable to have kids of their own. Which made my decision that much harder. It took hours for me to figure out how to possibly categorize these amazing families into yes, maybe, and no piles. My agent even had to tell me “I know you want to give your baby to all the families but you can only choose one. You are going to have to make those tough decisions to help you choose”. By the end of our meeting I had it narrowed down to 2 families. Both lived in the same state as me which was important to me so I could see him as much as possible. That was important to me.

I went home and showed my mom the 2 books I chose. The first family both of them had gone to college, had good jobs, everything a parent would look for in that situation. The second family didn’t go to college and had a son that was homeschooled. My mom liked the first family but I liked the second. There was something about them that stood out to me. In the book they made, there were silly pictures, a picture of the bedroom my son would be in, pictures of them outside doing things like ATV’s and camping. You could say my women’s intuition was kicking in. The other books felt very “perfectionist” to me. They were just portrait pictures. It didn’t look like any of the pictures they put in, they took themselves. So even though there were pictures of them, I didn’t feel like I knew them like I did with the second family I showed to my mom.

So, I decided to meet with the second family and I brought my dad with me. We met at a local mexican restaurant. I remember seeing them walking in and my heart dropped to my stomach. I was so nervous. The meeting with them went great so I scheduled another meeting with them and that time I brought my mom. After my mom met them she looked at me and said “you were right, there’s something about them”. I couldn’t help but just smile. I met them one more time and I had brought one of my friends. While we were at dinner they joked around with me about not having the baby that weekend because they were going out of state. Well…. haha.

My son was due on Valentine’s Day but was actually born January 9th. He was a preemie. The day he was born, there are no words haha. Let me just tell you what happened.

 

To Be Continued Tomorrow!

 

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