Starting Where We Left Off Yesterday
I had gone to bed after meeting the family with my friend and at 1 o’clock in the morning I woke up in a lot of pain. Literally 3 hours after I got home. For about an hour I tried repositioning and all of that to try to make the pain stop, but it didn’t. So I somehow managed to walk down the hallway to my mom’s room and woke her up. I have a high pain tolerance but, I was in tears it hurt so bad. My mom was convinced that I was having Braxton Hicks contractions because we were still over a month away from the due date. So after an hour my mom finally calls my doctor and she told me I needed to go into the emergency room immediately. Again, my mom was so convinced that I wasn’t in labor and that we would be sent straight home, that she didn’t even bring her cell phone. Luckily I did. We get to the hospital and they wheel me into a room and after they took a look at everything they tell me “You are 7 centimeters dilated, this is happening today. You are in labor”. Suddenly it became very real of what was about to happen. I was about to give birth to my son that I wasn’t keeping.
It was time to start calling everyone because I was officially in labor. My mom was the one who called the adoption agency and she told them that I was in labor. Their exact response was “so, should we call the P****’s?” I’ll never forget my mom’s response “Who else were you planning on calling?” I had only met with the one family. In their defense, I had never told the family that I had chosen them. Eventually I had the family I chose there, both of my parents, my sister, and her husband with me at the hospital.
When it was time to start pushing, I had my mom and sister on one side and the Mom of the family on the other side. I’m not joking when I say I was laughing between contractions. The epidural they originally gave me, came out so it stopped working and they had to give me another one. Well, they gave me a double dose haha. The nurse had to tell me when I was contracting. I honestly could not feel anything. My mom and sister didn’t want me to fully realize what was happening and freak out, so they kept cracking jokes therefore, I was laughing between contractions. I was laughing so hard that my son was crowning before the doctor was even in the room so the nurse had to tell me to stop laughing and essentially was trying to keep my son from being born that very second. My son was born into laughter, how beautiful is that?
We didn’t have a name for him when he was born so while I was in the hospital after giving birth, the family came to see me. They knew I’m a book nerd. They approached me about what to name him and they came up with the name Malakai, from the Bible, just spelled slightly different. They surprised me by telling me they were making my last name his middle name so that he would never forget his story and where he came from. So they named him Malakai Hatcher P****.
Malakai had to stay in the hospital when he was born because he had jaundice. I was told that he would be in the hospital for 2 weeks which meant, for those 2 weeks I could see him as much as I wanted. Basically those 2 weeks were my last chance to see him as my son instead of legally someone else’s. One night my dad and I came to the hospital to visit him and a nurse started talking to me about if I was going to be ready for him to leave the hospital and I told her that I’m going to have to be because there’s nothing I can do to stop it at this point. Throughout our conversation she noticed that I didn’t know. She looked at me and said “He’s leaving tomorrow”. I had no idea. I thought he had another week in the hospital. That night I had to say my goodbye to my son. Even as I’m writing this I’m tearing up just remembering it. I’ll never forget that moment. My heart has never been so broken before. As I was leaving the hospital with my dad, the mom started calling me. I was so emotional that I couldn’t answer it. I just let it go to voicemail. She left me the most heartbreaking message. In the voicemail, she was crying her eyes out and just kept saying I’m so sorry I didn’t want you to find out this way. She doesn’t know this but I actually listened to it when I got to the car and I started crying that much harder. My heart was breaking for the both of us.
One day he will know I’m his birth mother. I’m so excited but terrified for the day they tell him who I really am. I’m afraid because, what if he doesn’t understand why I had to give him up? I wanted to keep him. I really did. To this day, if I could, I would take him back in a heartbeat. He’s now 4 years old and the spitting image of me.
I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that there is no mention of my son’s father. That’s because he wants nothing to do with either of us. When I told him I was pregnant, he looked up how much it cost to get an abortion. Let’s put it this way, he’s the same age as me and has 3 kids with 3 different women. The day my son asks about his dad, I have no idea what I’m going to say because personally I think his father doesn’t deserve any praise but I can’t bash the father to Malakai. He’ll make his own opinions about his biological dad.
If any of you who are reading this are trying to adopt or are going through the same journey I went through, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I wish I had more support when I was going through it. The attached picture of the baby, is Malakai when he was almost a year old.