I was only 17 years old when I found out I was pregnant. To be honest with you, I took a pregnancy test early on in my pregnancy and it came up positive but, I disregarded it. I told myself that it was a false positive and put it on the back burner of my mind. The reason I did that is because at that time, my step-father was really sick. He had stage 4 colon cancer and ended up passing away a couple months later. Needless to say, I had other things on my mind at the time.
There came the day that I could no longer deny that I was in fact pregnant. I got out of the shower and saw the baby bump in the mirror. I was a senior in high school. We’ve all heard the teenage pregnancy stories but I had that mindset of “it won’t happen to me”. What can I say, I was young and ignorant.
When I saw the bump, I called my sister. She had me take another pregnancy test and sure enough it came up positive. It was time to tell my mother and father (who are divorced). Before I told either of my parents I found out I was 27 weeks pregnant which is 7 months pregnant. Wow, it honestly just hit me how short of a time it was that I really knew about him before he was gone.
Telling my mom was not the most pleasant experience. I remember we were watching tv in the living room and I had made the decision that I was going to tell her that day. When she got up and headed to bed I even remember thinking to myself “oh crap, I have to do it now”. I went upstairs and she was starting to read in bed. I sat on the floor next to the bed and just blurted out “mom, I’m 27 weeks pregnant”. She just stared at me, not wanting to believe what she just heard and immediately started bawling. I was then asked to leave the room. Walking away from her room was the most awful feeling. I didn’t know what she was thinking, what she thought of me now, I was terrified. I felt alone.
After telling my mom, I of course had to tell my father. He has always had a really bad temper so I decided to tell him in public. I met up with him at his office and we had dinner at Applebee’s right next to his office. I’m so glad I told him in public because that way I knew he couldn’t make a scene. He’s not the type to make a scene like that. I don’t remember our conversation about it near as clearly as I remember the one with my mom. I can tell you though, he was so disappointed in me. That was the worst feeling. Knowing that I had let down both of my parents.
While I was staying with my dad, there was one night that I was looking up adoption agencies. I even remember being in the living room watching tv in the dark and laying on the couch. There was one agency in particular that had a contact page. So I went ahead and filled out the information, told them my situation, and they got back to me pretty quickly. My mom and I had those really hard conversations about what my options were. Unfortunately, keeping the baby was not an option for me. I recently learned that my mom was afraid that by keeping my son that I wouldn’t have the time or money to do what I was meant to be. So, that left with me with abortion and adoption.
Every time my mom talked to me about abortion, I just burst into tears. I couldn’t do that. I just couldn’t. So, I was suddenly left with adoption. Well, there’s 2 kinds of adoption; open and closed. In open adoption, I would get to see my son, I’d know where he was, I would be able to see him. Then there is closed adoption, basically I wouldn’t know who his family was, I couldn’t see him, nothing. There would be no communication. My son would have to take it upon himself to find and meet me when he was old enough. I ended up meeting with an agent from the adoption agency at a starbucks by my house. I couldn’t handle not knowing who he was and if he was happy with the family I chose for him. I chose an open adoption. In my case, this wonderful family is actually going to tell him one day that I am his birth mother.
Then came the day where I knew my agent was bringing in these books I had to look through. The families made a book filled with pictures of their family, their pets, houses, etc. The book’s purpose is so that girls like me feel like we know exactly who we are giving our child to. I brought 3 of my girlfriends from school to help me. My agent brought, I kid you not, 30 books. That’s 30 families who want, for all I knew, MY baby. I can not describe to you how much pressure that put on me. How could I deny a family my child when I have no idea who they are despite the photos? My first requirement was that the family I chose, I wanted them to not be able to have kids of their own. That way, I knew what a blessing I’d be giving someone. I wanted my child to be loved as much as I picture in my head how I would love him. Come to find out, all 30 families are unable to have kids of their own. Which made my decision that much harder. It took hours for me to figure out how to possibly categorize these amazing families into yes, maybe, and no piles. My agent even had to tell me “I know you want to give your baby to all the families but you can only choose one. You are going to have to make those tough decisions to help you choose”. By the end of our meeting I had it narrowed down to 2 families. Both lived in the same state as me which was important to me so I could see him as much as possible. That was important to me.
I went home and showed my mom the 2 books I chose. The first family both of them had gone to college, had good jobs, everything a parent would look for in that situation. The second family didn’t go to college and had a son that was homeschooled. My mom liked the first family but I liked the second. There was something about them that stood out to me. In the book they made, there were silly pictures, a picture of the bedroom my son would be in, pictures of them outside doing things like ATV’s and camping. You could say my women’s intuition was kicking in. The other books felt very “perfectionist” to me. They were just portrait pictures. It didn’t look like any of the pictures they put in, they took themselves. So even though there were pictures of them, I didn’t feel like I knew them like I did with the second family I showed to my mom.
So, I decided to meet with the second family and I brought my dad with me. We met at a local mexican restaurant. I remember seeing them walking in and my heart dropped to my stomach. I was so nervous. The meeting with them went great so I scheduled another meeting with them and that time I brought my mom. After my mom met them she looked at me and said “you were right, there’s something about them”. I couldn’t help but just smile. I met them one more time and I had brought one of my friends. While we were at dinner they joked around with me about not having the baby that weekend because they were going out of state. Well…. haha.
My son was due on Valentine’s Day but was actually born January 9th. He was a preemie. The day he was born, there are no words haha. Let me just tell you what happened.
To Be Continued Tomorrow!